Deciphering the Messages

“It is quite possible to be so influenced by the ideals and commands of your neighborhood that you don’t know what you really want and could be.” Joseph Campbell, The Power of Myth


“You can’t become a psychiatrist because all that education would be wasted on you. You will simply get married, have children and stay home”
And , , , in almost the same breath, “You need to be prepared for whatever life brings you. You never know. You need a college education so that you will be prepared.
“Be smart. Don’t let him know how smart you are.
“Get an education. If you go back to school, it will destroy your marriage.
“An eye for an eye. Turn the other cheek.”
So many voices, so many conflicting messages in the neighborhood . . . trying to heed them all became so self-defeating that I stopped listening. I remained confused about the conflict/peace dichotomy of my life until I read about Mahatma Ghandi’s life. He grew into the peace-making person he became as an older man. I worked on a psychiatric unit. For some reason, I ended up with many victims of sexual abuse and violence. When I questioned the spiritual meaning of this, my mentor said that I was just good at what I do. Years later looking back, I can see the patterns and spiritual meanings of my life.
My parents always had their “discussions” behind closed doors. As a child, I never heard my parents argue. Indeed, the first “adult” argument I remember hearing was on a hot summer night when I was nine. The windows in my bedroom were open. I could hear the neighbors next door. I don’t remember what the argument was about, but I heard threats of violence between two alcoholics, an elderly mother and her adult son.
I was afraid. My stomach churned and I called out to my parents to comfort me. I was so profoundly affected by this, that it wasn’t until I was doing co-therapy with a cohort in graduate school that I began to lose my fear of loud, verbal conflict–unless I was the aggressor.
As an adolescent, I seemed to attract all sorts of conflict with my mother. Conflict followed me for a number of years, culminating in a study on domestic violence. I was married to an abusive alcoholic for thirteen years. That marriage taught me a lot about conflict and violence. It took me six years to realize that if slept in another bedroom when my husband was drunk, I wouldn’t get thrown out of bed in the middle of the night. That marriage led me into a growth group and the decision to go back to school. Because of the abuse in the marriage, I did volunteer work getting women into a shelter. The first semester of my doctorate program, I began my study of family violence, culminating in a dissertation on the effects of and meanings made by children who were exposed to family violence.
It was then that I realized I couldn’t be a peacemaker until I understood conflict from an emotional, mental, physical and spiritual level. Consequently, I discovered my life’s purpose: to create peace, one person at a time, beginning with me. I have moved from the neighborhood.

July 2006