The Decision

The Tampa summer between her junior and senior years of high school was hot. Her bedroom was small and without air-conditioning. She spent most of her time there, writing and reading. To gain a little more room and in the hopes of achieving an oriental effect, she dismantled her bed frame and put the mattress on the floor. The gray-green of her bedspread and drapes had a soothing, calming effect on the room. Her small white bookcase was jammed with books from her childhood and adolescence, including a couple of books of very sensual and provocative poetry. “I will write like that someday,” she thought.

As she sat on her bed, she made the decision to become an extraordinary writer; and she knew that she couldn’t write the great novel or poem until she had suffered sufficiently. After all, she had just completed a year of studying great literature and its authors. She was taken with many of the significant poets of the past. In learning about the lives of these notable writers, she thought they seemed to suffer greatly. She had just completed reading Camille by Alexander Dumas when this seventeen year old made the decision to suffer enough to become a writer of eminence.

From that long forgotten decision, she proceeded to live her life so that she would “suffer.” She chose to suffer for ten years with a man who was unfaithful from the first week of their marriage. When they divorced, she gave him custody of their daughter because he would provide well for her and would also encourage having contact with her daughter. And . . . her daughter would have two parents immediately. She chose suffering.

One time within the next three years, she was involved in a bank robbery. As she was measuring the men against the wall and noting their clothing, one of them demanded that she go to the vault and get all the money from there. She had always been told to give a robber whatever was demanded of her. When she replied that she didn’t have access to the money, it was construed as arguing with the men by someone in the home office. Consequently, she made the decision that her life wasn’t worth $2000.00 when she was praised for arguing.

Three years later, she married an abusive, active alcoholic. She took six years to figure out that she had choices and another six years to choose to leave. She went back to school, divorced that man and ended up marrying her best friend. This was an easy marriage, in which she finished her bachelor's degree and began her masters. Four years into their marriage and six months into the master's program, her beloved husband was diagnosed with cancer of the larynx. He died a little over a year later; she received her masters degree in clinical psychology within a few months of his death. She suffered by conscious choice.

It is only recently that she remembered that long ago decision. Only once did she consider the idea that she was suffering. However, when people told her that she had lived such a tragic life, she only remembered that she had many exciting and wonderful adventures along the way.